I'm going to be moving on to WordPress for my Just As I Am Blog. Well that's the plan anyway. Just when I'm starting to get used to how Blogger is and I'm getting a little more comfortable with the whole blogging thing, I've been told that Wordpress is the place to go.
So I've started a Blog there. I may just post something both places for a while until I get a little more comfortable. Not the same thing mind you. Maybe I'll rant a little here and there. Won't that just be fun for you! Ha!
http://justasiamdenise.wordpress.com
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Family
I’ve was reminded about that recently when I received a video from a funeral service of my maternal grandmother’s sister. As I watched the video that was filmed in California, there were glimpses of people who looked vaguely familiar. As I continued to watch the video it included a section of photographs of my relatives. I recognized many of them. Now there was a time when I could have rattled off the list of names one after another, and who was older, and on and on. However, as I watched I realized that I was struggling to remember some of the names. I recognized the faces, but I couldn’t remember which name went with which face. I also saw pictures of some of my family that I have not seen for over 25 years. And I saw faces that I have long since said “goodbye” to but are still near and dear in my heart.
Now you might think that watching the video would have been very depressing. But quite to the contrary, as I watched and listened to my cousins’ talk about my Aunt Marge’s life and how she was raised, how she raised her children, it reminded me of my Grandmother. Both Aunt Marge and Grandmom shared the same love of family, same values, the same love of the Lord. I realized that my Great-Great-Grandparents had fostered a love of Jesus into their children, and then into their children and how it impacted me.
I know that my Grandmother raised her children knowing Jesus. While I know that my mother became a Jehovah’s Witness to marry my father, I also recall my Grandmother telling me that my Uncle told her that he had many a discussion with her prior to her death and she did not die one. I’ve found comfort in that. When I didn’t do things she approved of, Grandmom didn’t stop loving me. I also know that during my “bitter” time after the JW’s excommunicated me and told people not to associate with me, including father, sister and brother; my Grandmother encouraged me to not be bitter, but to forgive them. She told me it wasn’t God who was judging me. She waited patiently and lovingly through my anger. We comforted each other during my mother’s death.
My Grandmother was Jesus “with skin” for me. I didn’t realize it until many years later. I just knew she loved me, unconditionally. She always was Jesus “with skin” for me. Not just for me, but for everyone that she encountered.
And watching the video, I saw someone else that I was related to that was Jesus “with skin”. And, her daughter, Shirley, was Jesus “with skin” sending me a video to include me. It felt sort of nice being related to such good examples of strong women, so thank you Jesus for sharing them with me.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Through the Valley
Originally I was going to call this Blog “Through the Valley”. That is because I see my life as just traveling from mountain to mountain with valleys of obstacles, challenges, truth seeking and understanding on my spiritual journey.
On the mountain to me is feeling the joy and peace of knowing you are loved, unconditionally in Christ. In the valley is when you are challenged with your mistakes, sins, doubts and fears. How I have reacted in the valley determines how long I am in the valley on my journey to the mountain.
I have to admit I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the valleys. I’ve struggled with feeling guilty about my times in the valleys. I’ve been angry, bitter, saddened, fearful, sorrowful, pious, judgmental, unforgiving, resentful, doubtful, distrusting, jealous, envious……where does one stop when we are truly honest with ourselves?
I was reading a devotion this morning called “The Good Shepherd” by Mary Southerland. This is an excerpt:
Did you catch that? God is Lord of the mountain and the valley. I suspect that the most powerful life is lived in the valley – not on the mountain top.
Instead of seeing the valley as something to be ashamed of, angry about, bitter about, doubtful if you will survive, saddened or fearful --the valley can be a powerful life if you are gazing on the Shepherd. God has ordained that valley as an altar of sacrifice, an opportunity for him to work through your broken heart and life.
Looking back I can see my heavenly Father going before me, the hammer of truth in his hand (the truth of His Son), flattening every fear-filled obstacle (feeling alone, different, unloved), hammering down every mountain of doubt (feeling unworthy) before me so that, when he has made a way, I can cross over. He straightens out the crooked paths (miss-teachings of the JW’s), improving my behavior (recognizing and confessing my sins) and causing me to do the "right" things (putting my eyes on Christ).
Praise for each deliverance from the valley!
John 10:11 (NIV) "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."
On the mountain to me is feeling the joy and peace of knowing you are loved, unconditionally in Christ. In the valley is when you are challenged with your mistakes, sins, doubts and fears. How I have reacted in the valley determines how long I am in the valley on my journey to the mountain.
I have to admit I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the valleys. I’ve struggled with feeling guilty about my times in the valleys. I’ve been angry, bitter, saddened, fearful, sorrowful, pious, judgmental, unforgiving, resentful, doubtful, distrusting, jealous, envious……where does one stop when we are truly honest with ourselves?
I was reading a devotion this morning called “The Good Shepherd” by Mary Southerland. This is an excerpt:
“God is always at work in our lives, even during the most stress-filled moments. When we entrust everything we are and everything we have to God, when we depend upon his truth instead of our own understanding and choose to walk in obedience, God promises to "make our paths straight" (Proverbs 3:6 NLT). No matter how deep the valley, we can count on God for direction. In Proverbs 3:6, "make straight" means "to do right, to make smooth or to be evenly hammered". I love that truth! I can almost see my Father going before me, the hammer of truth in his hand, flattening every fear-filled obstacle, hammering down every mountain of doubt before me so that, when he has made a way, I can cross over. He straightens out the crooked paths, improving my behavior and causing me to do the "right" things.
Valleys are best faced with a total abandonment to the Shepherd of the valley. How many times have we danced with joy on the mountain top then moaned and complained in the valley? God is Lord of the mountain and the valley. I suspect that the most powerful life is lived in the valley - not on the mountain top. Every valley is surrounded by mountains and every valley has a shepherd, a shepherd who will walk with us through the valley, a shepherd who will go before us, leading us out of the valley. When the psalmist wrote these words, he wrote my life message, "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:1-2 NIV)
No matter where you are today, your Father is there. No matter how deep or long the valley, he is with you, waiting for you to surrender all. Give him your valley, knowing that he will surely lead you out. God has ordained that valley as an altar of sacrifice, an opportunity for him to work through your broken heart and life. Keep your glance on the valley and your gaze on the Shepherd. Begin praising him for your deliverance. It will surely come. ”
Did you catch that? God is Lord of the mountain and the valley. I suspect that the most powerful life is lived in the valley – not on the mountain top.
Instead of seeing the valley as something to be ashamed of, angry about, bitter about, doubtful if you will survive, saddened or fearful --the valley can be a powerful life if you are gazing on the Shepherd. God has ordained that valley as an altar of sacrifice, an opportunity for him to work through your broken heart and life.
Looking back I can see my heavenly Father going before me, the hammer of truth in his hand (the truth of His Son), flattening every fear-filled obstacle (feeling alone, different, unloved), hammering down every mountain of doubt (feeling unworthy) before me so that, when he has made a way, I can cross over. He straightens out the crooked paths (miss-teachings of the JW’s), improving my behavior (recognizing and confessing my sins) and causing me to do the "right" things (putting my eyes on Christ).
Praise for each deliverance from the valley!
John 10:11 (NIV) "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
It’s Official
When it takes you 1 hour and 40 minutes to fill out all the paperwork for a NEW doctor listing all medications, surgeries, circling all symptoms you have or have had, writing down the doctors you are currently seeing (and you run out of lines on the form) – there is something wrong with you!
Well, I already knew it – (and I’m quite sure there are family members who will jump and say we’ve been saying all along there’s something wrong with you) It’s just when things creep up on you, you sort of just adjust over the years. Sometimes you don’t think about the WHOLE picture. Having to write it down sort of reminds you.
You’d think it would be depressing. Can’t say that’s how I’m feeling. Just thinking, no wonder I feel like crap sometimes.
So I’m off to a headache clinic in Raleigh, NC for the migraines in the morning. Have my list of drugs for Rheumatoid Arthritis, menopause, current migraine meds, etc. I’m sure this place has seen worse. Then again, I may be on exhibit tomorrow. I better wear something nice. :-)
Well, I already knew it – (and I’m quite sure there are family members who will jump and say we’ve been saying all along there’s something wrong with you) It’s just when things creep up on you, you sort of just adjust over the years. Sometimes you don’t think about the WHOLE picture. Having to write it down sort of reminds you.
You’d think it would be depressing. Can’t say that’s how I’m feeling. Just thinking, no wonder I feel like crap sometimes.
So I’m off to a headache clinic in Raleigh, NC for the migraines in the morning. Have my list of drugs for Rheumatoid Arthritis, menopause, current migraine meds, etc. I’m sure this place has seen worse. Then again, I may be on exhibit tomorrow. I better wear something nice. :-)
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Organization
I like to consider myself an organized person.
I know I LIKE organization and structure. I know that I can feel anxious when things seem “out of place”.
What I struggle with is the balance. My pendulum seems to go back and forth on a fairly regular basis.
I don’t want to be a nag or micromanage those I love into “this belongs here”, “pick that up”, “that’s not where you found it”, etc. etc.; however, when I suppress all my feelings on the subject, than I become anxious and irritable. When I act like "can't beat 'em, join 'em" I'm anxious, irritable, guilty of my own behavior.
I mean, I can’t help it—I would like to live a clutter-free, organized life. There is something about the “ahhhh” moment when you look at a room that is clean, everything in it's place.
Can I blame that on my mother? Maybe, however some of my fondest memories of my Mom are that she always had what was needed, or knew exactly where something was. She wasn’t OCD about it. She was just prepared. There was just a certain way that some things needed to be done. Why bother doing something half-assed if you’re not satisfied with the final results. Give it your best effort. (Of course, she would never say “half-assed” to you, that wouldn’t have been proper. I think I only remember her saying “ass” once, as in “stop being an ass” when she was eXTRemely frustrated once at my Dad. Okay, I’m digressing down a rabbit trail. Shiny Object Syndrome) I can recall her giving directions when I dusted chairs, and she would gently remind me to “dust the rungs”. Now when I dust, I think of her when I DON’T dust the rungs, (hearing her voice in my head) and when I DO dust the rungs and upon seeing all the dust, realizing she was right, it IS better.
I like looking at organizational tips in magazines. I see the beauty in the organization and the holders and appreciate the gifted decorators who make all the “stuff” look “pretty”.
Isn’t Creation organized? Hasn’t our God made us and everything in our world in an organized and pleasing way? (Okay, there are some bugs and stuff that I wouldn’t classify as “pretty”, and I don’t always feel that way about myself, but you get my point.)
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and its all small stuff was very popular there for awhile. You can still hear and read similar versions of this. Maybe that is why we have become such an anxious society. While we are ignoring taking care of the small stuff, we haven’t stopped collecting the stuff and it is getting messier and messier around us. No wonder there are shows like Clean House, books and magazine articles on cleaning up our lives. Everything is overwhelming. Our desire to cling to stuff is and is not determined by the monetary value. It doesn’t matter if we collect something that is worthless or expensive.
But yet we tend to want to cling to things. This item has an “emotional” attachment, or “reminds us” of “such and such or so and so”. I’ve been guilty of this. I am still guilty at times.
When Mom died in July of 1984 I remember my sister and I looking over the family heirlooms trying to decide what to do with them because Dad didn’t really care. After starting on some personal jewelry items, we decided to delicately maneuver through the things that we felt were the least confrontational to divide up. Because my brother was younger, we talked about what my brother may want in the future. We realized it was too soon, and so we took a break.
Then, in December Dad told us he was getting married in January 1985 and selling the house. (I believe January is when they were married, I wasn’t invited, but then that’s another story). Dad’s new wife, decided to just move everything into their new home. She liked the antiques, etc. I remember I wasn’t the only one feeling like we lost “our stuff, our memories, and our connection with Mom”, especially because we knew Dad’s feelings on the stuff. For a while I looked for similar items to replace things that I thought I needed that Mom had which were currently living with my Dad and Step-Mother. I felt I needed that connection. However, without realizing it God was working in my heart.
I had always had a special connection with my maternal Grandmother, and after Mom’s death she filled the void. I know she did that for my sister and brother too. My brother chose to live with her when my Dad remarried and sold the house. After Grandmom died in December 1994, the family was tasked with reviewing and distributing her belongings. So here we were faced with “stuff distribution” again. This time the players involved were my Mother’s siblings and my sister, brother and I. There was a lot of tension because someone in the group came and packed up and took things prior to the “group” meeting. You get the picture.
Looking back now, I realized how God was working in my heart about stuff. My normal thought process would have been “I need such and such, especially because I don’t have Mom or Grandmom”. Yes, there were some things that I took home as mementos. But I remember looking at pictures I had taken in her home the day she was buried. There was the stuff, but she was missing. I didn’t need the stuff. Yes, it was a comfort to have some things; however, I didn’t need them.
Over the years, I’ve been able to let go of some stuff. However, there is still some stuff I cling to as reminders from the past.
And this is where the swinging on the pendulum is; learning to balance what to hold on too, what to let go of and constantly reminding myself that it is just stuff. Realizing that when Jesus returns, to walk away from it all, not looking back, not coming down from the rooftops, and not being Lot’s wife.
Luke 17:30-34 “It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. Remember Lot’s wife! Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left.”
I pray that the Holy Spirit works in me to keep my heart focused on the important thing – following Jesus.
I know that God has blessed me with stuff, and I appreciate it. I appreciate it enough that I want to take care of it while I am here. And so the pendulum continues to swing back and forth while working for the balance. I know I’m not alone. I’ll keep evaluating my stuff; however I really like my stuff neat and pretty. So I look for ways to show my appreciation of what God has blessed me with in an organized attractive way.
I’m going back to read Genesis, to really appreciate God’s perfect organized attractive beginning. He was pleased when he was finished. While I won’t ever be satisfied with my human attempts at organization and structure, I can always go back and look at a perfect example.
I know I LIKE organization and structure. I know that I can feel anxious when things seem “out of place”.
What I struggle with is the balance. My pendulum seems to go back and forth on a fairly regular basis.
I don’t want to be a nag or micromanage those I love into “this belongs here”, “pick that up”, “that’s not where you found it”, etc. etc.; however, when I suppress all my feelings on the subject, than I become anxious and irritable. When I act like "can't beat 'em, join 'em" I'm anxious, irritable, guilty of my own behavior.
I mean, I can’t help it—I would like to live a clutter-free, organized life. There is something about the “ahhhh” moment when you look at a room that is clean, everything in it's place.
Can I blame that on my mother? Maybe, however some of my fondest memories of my Mom are that she always had what was needed, or knew exactly where something was. She wasn’t OCD about it. She was just prepared. There was just a certain way that some things needed to be done. Why bother doing something half-assed if you’re not satisfied with the final results. Give it your best effort. (Of course, she would never say “half-assed” to you, that wouldn’t have been proper. I think I only remember her saying “ass” once, as in “stop being an ass” when she was eXTRemely frustrated once at my Dad. Okay, I’m digressing down a rabbit trail. Shiny Object Syndrome) I can recall her giving directions when I dusted chairs, and she would gently remind me to “dust the rungs”. Now when I dust, I think of her when I DON’T dust the rungs, (hearing her voice in my head) and when I DO dust the rungs and upon seeing all the dust, realizing she was right, it IS better.
I like looking at organizational tips in magazines. I see the beauty in the organization and the holders and appreciate the gifted decorators who make all the “stuff” look “pretty”.
Isn’t Creation organized? Hasn’t our God made us and everything in our world in an organized and pleasing way? (Okay, there are some bugs and stuff that I wouldn’t classify as “pretty”, and I don’t always feel that way about myself, but you get my point.)
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and its all small stuff was very popular there for awhile. You can still hear and read similar versions of this. Maybe that is why we have become such an anxious society. While we are ignoring taking care of the small stuff, we haven’t stopped collecting the stuff and it is getting messier and messier around us. No wonder there are shows like Clean House, books and magazine articles on cleaning up our lives. Everything is overwhelming. Our desire to cling to stuff is and is not determined by the monetary value. It doesn’t matter if we collect something that is worthless or expensive.
But yet we tend to want to cling to things. This item has an “emotional” attachment, or “reminds us” of “such and such or so and so”. I’ve been guilty of this. I am still guilty at times.
When Mom died in July of 1984 I remember my sister and I looking over the family heirlooms trying to decide what to do with them because Dad didn’t really care. After starting on some personal jewelry items, we decided to delicately maneuver through the things that we felt were the least confrontational to divide up. Because my brother was younger, we talked about what my brother may want in the future. We realized it was too soon, and so we took a break.
Then, in December Dad told us he was getting married in January 1985 and selling the house. (I believe January is when they were married, I wasn’t invited, but then that’s another story). Dad’s new wife, decided to just move everything into their new home. She liked the antiques, etc. I remember I wasn’t the only one feeling like we lost “our stuff, our memories, and our connection with Mom”, especially because we knew Dad’s feelings on the stuff. For a while I looked for similar items to replace things that I thought I needed that Mom had which were currently living with my Dad and Step-Mother. I felt I needed that connection. However, without realizing it God was working in my heart.
I had always had a special connection with my maternal Grandmother, and after Mom’s death she filled the void. I know she did that for my sister and brother too. My brother chose to live with her when my Dad remarried and sold the house. After Grandmom died in December 1994, the family was tasked with reviewing and distributing her belongings. So here we were faced with “stuff distribution” again. This time the players involved were my Mother’s siblings and my sister, brother and I. There was a lot of tension because someone in the group came and packed up and took things prior to the “group” meeting. You get the picture.
Looking back now, I realized how God was working in my heart about stuff. My normal thought process would have been “I need such and such, especially because I don’t have Mom or Grandmom”. Yes, there were some things that I took home as mementos. But I remember looking at pictures I had taken in her home the day she was buried. There was the stuff, but she was missing. I didn’t need the stuff. Yes, it was a comfort to have some things; however, I didn’t need them.
Over the years, I’ve been able to let go of some stuff. However, there is still some stuff I cling to as reminders from the past.
And this is where the swinging on the pendulum is; learning to balance what to hold on too, what to let go of and constantly reminding myself that it is just stuff. Realizing that when Jesus returns, to walk away from it all, not looking back, not coming down from the rooftops, and not being Lot’s wife.
Luke 17:30-34 “It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. Remember Lot’s wife! Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left.”
I pray that the Holy Spirit works in me to keep my heart focused on the important thing – following Jesus.
I know that God has blessed me with stuff, and I appreciate it. I appreciate it enough that I want to take care of it while I am here. And so the pendulum continues to swing back and forth while working for the balance. I know I’m not alone. I’ll keep evaluating my stuff; however I really like my stuff neat and pretty. So I look for ways to show my appreciation of what God has blessed me with in an organized attractive way.
I’m going back to read Genesis, to really appreciate God’s perfect organized attractive beginning. He was pleased when he was finished. While I won’t ever be satisfied with my human attempts at organization and structure, I can always go back and look at a perfect example.
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